【心理學(xué)譯作·雙語】The Cost of Blaming Parents 指責(zé)父母的代價
Anger toward parents is still at the heart of a great deal of therapy. But has this approach gone too far?
對于父母的憤怒仍是許多心理療法的重心，但這樣做是不是太過了？
BY Joshua COLEMAN, J CAROLYN COWAN, PHIL COWAN | DECEMBER 23, 2014
Joshua Coleman, J Carolyn Cowan, Phil Cowan 寫于2014年12月23日
At the close of the 19th century, Freud theorized that, like the mythical Greek king of Thebes, a child unconsciously wants to kill off his father so that he can have sex with his mother. He believed one of the main functions of psychoanalysis was to bring anger toward the parent into conscious awareness, and that this would free the client from symptoms.
在19世紀(jì)末，弗洛伊德提出，就像希臘神話中的Thebes一樣，孩子會無意識地想謀害自己的父親，為的是能和自己的母親發(fā)生性關(guān)系。他相信精神分析的一個主要功能是把對于父母的憤怒帶入到意識中去，這將使這個孩子免于這個癥狀。
Today, only a minority of psychotherapists still believe in the centrality of the Oedipus complex or its female version, Electra, the mythological woman made famous by Sophocles and Euripides for plotting revenge against her mother. Yet a focus on anger toward one’s parents is still at the heart of many insight-oriented psychotherapies.
今天，只有一小部分的心理治療師仍然相信Oedipus情結(jié)或其女性版本的Electra的核心。Electra是神話中的女性，策劃了對母親的報復(fù)，因古希臘悲劇詩人Sophocles和Euripides而聞名。然而，關(guān)注對父母的憤怒仍然是許多洞察導(dǎo)向療法的核心。
As psychologists and researchers, we think the emphasis on supporting ongoing anger and blame of parents is a problem in today’s psychotherapy and in the culture at large. Validating feelings and perceptions can be a helpful, even necessary, early step in healing from a difficult childhood. Learning how to shift from self-blame to rightful anger at our parents can be a useful second step.
作為心理學(xué)家和研究人員，我們認(rèn)為在今天的心理療法和整個文化中，鼓勵這種對父母的持續(xù)的憤怒和責(zé)備是有問題的。在從艱苦童年恢復(fù)的早期，確立自己的感受和觀念是有幫助的，也是必要的。學(xué)會從自我責(zé)備轉(zhuǎn)移到對于父母的正當(dāng)?shù)膽嵟怯杏玫牡诙健?/p>
What concerns us, based on the research on attachment in family relationships as it spans several generations, is how stopping at this second step may worsen the relationship with the parent and harm the long-term best interests of the individual and the extended family.
基于跨度幾代人的家庭依戀關(guān)系的研究，我們擔(dān)心的是在第二步停滯不前可能惡化孩子與父母的關(guān)系并傷害到這個個體與大家庭的長期利益。
We believe that a new therapeutic frame to respond to adult children’s anger at their parents may be more beneficial in the long run—to the adult child, the parent, and the grandchildren. The same new frame is needed for those of us, clients or not, who hold firmly to the notion that parents are to blame for many psychological difficulties.
我們相信，一個新的應(yīng)對成年子女對父母的憤怒的治療框架，長遠(yuǎn)來看可能對成年子女、父母和孫輩更有益。我們，不論是不是來訪者，所有堅定地認(rèn)為父母應(yīng)該對許多心理問題負(fù)責(zé)的人，都需要這樣一個新的框架。
Our goal here is to describe some discoveries from attachment theory that may help therapists, clients, and others understand why it may be helpful to get beyond anger at your parents. We are not suggesting the currently popular strategies of “l(fā)et it go and move on” or “forgiveness,” however useful they can be. Rather, we argue for the value of arriving at a fuller understanding of why our parents behaved as they did, so that we can avoid becoming trapped in old patterns and repeating hurtful relationship patterns in the next generation.
我們的目標(biāo)是描述一些依戀理論的發(fā)現(xiàn)，它們能夠幫助治療師、來訪者和人們理解為什么超越對父母的憤怒可能有幫助。我們不建議現(xiàn)在流行的“放下過去、繼續(xù)前進(jìn)”或“寬恕”的策略，無論它們多么有用。相反，我們認(rèn)為更全面地理解父母的行為方式是有價值的，這樣我們就可以避免陷入舊的方式、避免在下一代身上重復(fù)傷人的關(guān)系模式。
Anger and attachment across generations
跨輩分的憤怒與依戀
One of the biggest dangers of carrying chronic feelings of anger toward a parent lies not simply in what it does to the relationship between us and our parents, but how it might affect our relationships with an intimate partner or our children.
長期心懷對父母的憤怒的最大危害之一，不僅僅是它對我們與父母關(guān)系的傷害，更在于它對我們與親密伴侶和孩子關(guān)系的影響。
Our own and others’ studies support the theories of John Bowlby, who argued that infants or young children who never felt securely attached to one or both parents can carry deep-seated insecurities into adulthood about whether they deserve to be loved or nurtured. This insecurity can have a profound impact on that person’s ability to love and parent. In other words, the opportunity to be securely attached as a child affects not only that child’s feelings of security and well-being, but his or her ability later in life to foster a secure attachment in his or her child.
我們自己和其他的一些研究都與John Bowlby的理論一致，他認(rèn)為，從未感到與父母一方或雙方有安全依戀的嬰幼兒，會攜帶著根深蒂固的不安全感進(jìn)入成年，思考他們是否值得被愛或被養(yǎng)育。這種不安全感會對這個人的愛和為人父母的能力產(chǎn)生深遠(yuǎn)的影響。換句話說，在孩童時期有安全依戀的機(jī)會，不僅影響個體自己的安全感、幸福感，還影響個體余生中與自己的孩子培養(yǎng)安全依戀的能力。
In our longitudinal family studies, we looked at parents’ attachment stories and then at how teachers described their children’s behavior at school. We found that children with parents whose relationship could be characterized as insecure in relation to their parents (the grandparents) were more likely to be angry and aggressive with peers, or shy, withdrawn, anxious, or depressed—or both angry and anxious. They were also less likely to do well academically. How does this happen?
在我們縱向的家庭研究中，我們觀察了父母的依戀經(jīng)歷，然后觀察了老師們?nèi)绾蚊枋鏊麄兊暮⒆釉趯W(xué)校中的表現(xiàn)。我們發(fā)現(xiàn)，那些父母與祖父母之間有不安全關(guān)系的孩子，比起同齡人表現(xiàn)得更易怒、有攻擊性、害羞、孤僻、焦慮或抑郁——或者既易怒又焦慮。他們也往往難以取得學(xué)業(yè)上的成功。這是為什么呢？
Our research demonstrates that an insecure attachment seems to result in children—and later, adults—having difficulty controlling or modulating their emotions, knowing how to soothe themselves when distressed, or feeling relaxed and trusting with others and this, in turn, was reflected in what we saw in their relationships with their partners and children. Parents were often unable to see their own contributions to distress and conflict in their key relationships. In all likelihood these difficulties emerge from not having had a nurturing parent, not feeling lovable, and not learning how to accept or nurture themselves.
我們的研究表明，不安全的依戀關(guān)系似乎導(dǎo)致孩子們——后來的成年人們——難以控制或調(diào)節(jié)他們的情感，難以在痛苦的時候自我安慰，難以感到放松與信任他人，而這反過來映射于他們與伴侶、孩子的關(guān)系中。父母們通常無法看到自己對于關(guān)鍵關(guān)系中的痛苦、沖突的貢獻(xiàn)。這些困難很可能來源于他們自己沒有一個懂得養(yǎng)育的父母，沒有感到自己的可愛之處，也沒有學(xué)會如何接納和養(yǎng)育自己。
When the client becomes conscious of this dynamic, it is natural to feel angry with the parent. But how do we move from anger, self-blame, and an insecure model of close relationships to a more tolerant, compassionate view of our upbringing? That is, how can we achieve a more hopeful model of what we can expect or work towards in our close relationships? And, why should anyone bother?
當(dāng)來訪者意識到這種模式時，自然會對自己的父母生氣。但是我們?nèi)绾尾拍軓囊粋€氣憤的、自我責(zé)備的并且不安全的親密關(guān)系模式轉(zhuǎn)變?yōu)橐粋€更寬容、更富有同情心的成長觀呢？也就是說，我們?nèi)绾尾拍軐?shí)現(xiàn)一個更有希望的模式，我們該在親密關(guān)系中期待什么并朝著什么方向前進(jìn)呢？此外，我們又為什么要費(fèi)心呢？
How therapists help or hinder clients
治療師是如何幫助或阻礙來訪者的
It’s common for a therapist to support or encourage an adult’s anger at his or her parents for their behavior in the past, based on the idea that getting in touch with and expressing the anger will help the client move away from self-blame and toward better mental health.
接觸和表達(dá)憤怒將幫助來訪者遠(yuǎn)離自我責(zé)備并走向更好的心理健康，基于這個觀點(diǎn)，治療師普遍地支持和鼓勵成年人對其父母過去的行為感到憤怒。
However, the client’s relationship with a therapist may be more disempowering than empowering over time if the therapist continues to support the idea that the client has to aggressively fight back against the reality or the memory (if the parent is no longer alive) of a formidable father or mother, rather than to see the parent as someone with his or her own fragilities, insecurities, and longings. This is important to consider, because when adults hold on to negative feelings about early relationships, it can reinforce their self-view as a victim and leave them unable to take action to establish intimate relationships that are satisfying, trusting, or at least, not harmful.
然而，如果治療師繼續(xù)支持來訪者去猛烈地與現(xiàn)實(shí)或關(guān)于可怕父母的回憶（如果父母已經(jīng)去世）做斗爭，而不是幫助來訪者去把父母視作有自己的脆弱、不安和渴望的人，來訪者與治療師的關(guān)系可能隨著時間推移而變得消極。這是非常重要的一點(diǎn)，因?yàn)楫?dāng)成年人對于他們早期關(guān)系持有負(fù)面感受的時候，這會加強(qiáng)他們對于自己是受害者的認(rèn)知，并使他們無法采取行動去建立令人滿意的、信任的或者至少無害的親密關(guān)系。
Without some prodding, a client could also conclude that avoidance rather than repair of a relationship with a parent is the only choice. While ending a relationship with a parent may sometimes be the healthiest decision, it isn’t always: In stopping at supporting a client’s anger at a parent, some therapists may foreclose the possibility that the parent might still be able to provide some of what the adult child longs for and needs, even if it plays out more in the grandchild-grandparent relationship.
如果沒有這些促進(jìn)，來訪者也可能得出結(jié)論，認(rèn)為逃避而不是修復(fù)和父母的關(guān)系是唯一的選擇。盡管有時結(jié)束和父母的關(guān)系可能是最健康的決定，但不永遠(yuǎn)如此：當(dāng)不再支持來訪者對于父母的憤怒時，一些治療師可能排除了成年子女仍能從父母那里得到自己渴望且需要的關(guān)愛的可能性，即便這種關(guān)愛在自己的父母和自己的孩子的關(guān)系間得到了更多的體現(xiàn)。（譯注：也就是不再持有幻想，是好事）
Although many writers who talk about attachment write as if the model is formed early and stamped in as a template forever, the data don’t support this. Models of attachment can change over time as more nurturing or satisfying relationship experiences nudge us toward a feeling of increased ease, trust, and confidence about developing satisfying intimate relationships (what some call “earned security”). This may happen when a romantic partner’s style shows how a more accepting stance can feel nurturing or when a more responsive relationship with a caring adult—therapist, mentor, teacher, or friend—reveals that it is possible to find more caring, supportive, and satisfying close relationships.
盡管許多談?wù)撘缿俚淖髡邔懙煤孟襁@種模式早就形成了，并且像石板一樣被永遠(yuǎn)銘刻，但數(shù)據(jù)并不支持這一觀點(diǎn)。當(dāng)更滋養(yǎng)人心的、令人滿意的關(guān)系體驗(yàn)推動我們對發(fā)展美好的親密關(guān)系（一些人稱之為“贏得的安全感”）感到更輕松、信任且自信的時候，依戀模式能隨著時間的推移而改變。當(dāng)伴侶展示出更寬容的姿態(tài)將如何滋養(yǎng)人心的時候，或者當(dāng)與熱心腸的成年人——治療師、心靈導(dǎo)師、教師或朋友——間的更有求必應(yīng)的關(guān)系揭示出，找到更加關(guān)愛的、支持的且令人滿意的親密關(guān)系是有可能的時候，這種轉(zhuǎn)變就可能發(fā)生。
How to move from anger to understanding
如何從憤怒轉(zhuǎn)變?yōu)槔斫?/strong>
In general, we can’t forgive our parents until we have some clarity that we didn’t deserve their mistreatment. It is equally important to realize that in the world of the family, traumas often beget traumas: Most parents who mistreat their children were likely also mistreated. In order to break this sad cycle, a goal might be to see one’s parents not only as neglectful or hostile, but as ill-equipped to create the kind of family environment that fosters confidence and secure attachments.
大體上說，在對于我們理不應(yīng)當(dāng)受父母虐待有清晰的認(rèn)知之前，我們是無法寬恕父母的。這與認(rèn)識到在家庭層面上，舊的創(chuàng)傷常常產(chǎn)生新的創(chuàng)傷是同樣重要的：大多數(shù)虐待孩子的父母可能自己也受到了虐待。為了打破這種令人悲傷的循環(huán)，我們的目標(biāo)是，把父母看作不只是忽視的、敵意的人，也是沒有能力去創(chuàng)造一種培育信任、安全依戀的家庭環(huán)境的人。
The notion that parents “did the best they could” may seem negating for those who already feel impoverished and undeserving. But moving toward that perspective, rather than holding on to long-term or newly-found anger, has three potentially productive outcomes:
認(rèn)為父母“盡力了”的觀點(diǎn)對于那些已經(jīng)感到貧瘠、匱乏的心靈來說，可能是一種否定。但是與其保持長期的或新確立的憤怒，朝著這種方向前進(jìn)有三個潛在的好處。
First, some adults can successfully establish a more satisfying relationship with their parents, in-laws, or extended family members, rather than having to remove themselves from any relationships with their extended family.
首先，一些成年人能夠成功地和他們的父母、姻親、大家庭成員建立更令人滿意的關(guān)系，而不必切斷與大家庭的任何聯(lián)系。
Second, for some adults, this stance can lead to setting reasonable limits for a relationship with a parent who continues to be abusive instead of continuing to carry ongoing feelings of anger that infect other aspects of life.
第二，對于一些成年人來說，這種姿態(tài)能夠幫助與仍虐待的父母設(shè)立關(guān)系界限，而不是繼續(xù)懷著腐蝕生活其他方面的持續(xù)的憤怒。
Third, gaining a more differentiated view of why parents behaved as they did can help us avoid repeating the cycle of insecure attachments with our partners and children. In turn, this may foster the possibility of our parents and children developing a relationship across the generations as we form new families of our own, thus offering our children relationships in their extended family.
第三，對父母的行為方式有更加不同的看法，能夠幫助我們避免在我們的伴侶、孩子身上重復(fù)那個不安全依戀的循環(huán)。反過來，這在我們建立自己的家庭時，可能有助于我們的父母與孩子建立跨代關(guān)系的可能性，從而為我們的孩子在大家庭中提供人際關(guān)系。
It takes psychological effort to go from anger to understanding, and to nurture the insight that what feels intentional isn’t always so. This is true whether or not one is receiving help from a professional.
從憤怒到理解需要心理層面的付出，而培養(yǎng)對于什么是有意為之的洞察并不永遠(yuǎn)如此。無論一個人是否在接受專業(yè)人士的幫助，這都是事實(shí)。（譯注：也就是說，父母不是有意迫害我們的，他們也是受害者，雖然從憤怒到理解很難，但認(rèn)識到這個邏輯沒那么難。）
It also demands developing more immunity to a parent’s perceptions and behaviors—a process that signifies growth, and makes us more resilient both in our family relationships and in confronting life’s challenges. Developing compassion for parents, intimate partners, and friends is useful, not only because it makes us more compassionate people, but because it allows us to see others’ frailties, to recognize sometimes bungled attempts to care for us, and eventually to love more fully and be more open to being loved by others.
這也要求我們培養(yǎng)對父母的觀點(diǎn)、行為的免疫，這個過程意味著成長，并使我們在處理家庭關(guān)系、面對人生挑戰(zhàn)時更有韌性。發(fā)展對父母、親密伴侶和朋友們的同情心是有用的，不僅因?yàn)樗刮覀兂蔀楦缺娜耍驗(yàn)樗试S我們看到別人的脆弱，去認(rèn)可有時笨拙的想要照顧我們的嘗試，最終更全身心地去愛，與被愛。
While many people find that this is one of the hardest tasks to accomplish—with or without professional help—some are lucky enough to discover that it is freeing in ways they hadn’t imagined, and that the world seems a more welcoming place in which to live and love.
盡管許多人發(fā)現(xiàn)這是最難以達(dá)成的任務(wù)之一——無論是否有專業(yè)人士幫助——但有些人足夠幸運(yùn)，發(fā)現(xiàn)這是一種他們不曾想象的解脫，整個世界似乎都變成了一個更加熱情的地方，他們在其中鮮活著，并熱愛著。
HOW TO ACHIEVE UNDERSTANDING
理解如何達(dá)成
Whether through therapy or other intimate experiences, a shift from an insecure attachment model to a secure one is more likely to happen when we can:
無論是否通過治療或者其他的親密體驗(yàn)，從不安全依戀模式到安全模式的轉(zhuǎn)變更可能在我們做到以下幾點(diǎn)時發(fā)生：
1. Work toward accepting the reality of having been denied important attachment experiences by parents or other caregivers.
朝著接受這樣一個現(xiàn)實(shí)前進(jìn)：我們被父母或其他看護(hù)人否定了重大的依戀經(jīng)驗(yàn)。
2. Mourn that in all likelihood we will not be nurtured by our parent(s) in the ways we had hoped.
哀悼這樣一個現(xiàn)實(shí)：父母無論如何都不會按我們所希望的那樣養(yǎng)育我們。
3. Develop insight into how we developed self-limiting beliefs as a way to stay close to a parent, however painful or problematic that attachment has been.
深入了解我們?nèi)绾螢榱撕透改副３钟H密關(guān)系，無論這種關(guān)系是多么得痛苦或狀況百出，而發(fā)展出的許多自我限制的信念。
4. Shift over time from a position of feeling victimized by a parent to seeing that the parent’s inability to provide more nurturance probably resulted from the parent’s own early deprivation, rather than from an unwillingness, selfishness, or desire to see us suffer.
隨著時間的推移，從感到被父母迫害的立場轉(zhuǎn)變?yōu)榭吹礁改钢詿o力提供更好的養(yǎng)育，是因?yàn)樽陨碓缙诘膮T乏，而不是因?yàn)樗麄儾磺樵?、自私或想看到我們受苦?/p>
5. Accept that because of important experiences and disappointments with a caregiver, we may experience a lifelong vulnerability to emotional triggers around rejection, devaluation, or neglect—with an understanding that we can reduce our sensitivity over time, even if it never goes away completely.
接受這樣一個現(xiàn)實(shí)，由于與看護(hù)人間的重大經(jīng)歷與失望，我們可能會在面對拒絕、貶低或忽視等情感誘因時體驗(yàn)到持續(xù)終生的脆弱——要明白我們能夠隨著時間推移降低我們的敏感度，即便它永遠(yuǎn)無法完全消失。
6. Evaluate whether a new relationship with the parent is possible.
評估是否能夠與父母建立新的關(guān)系。
About the Authors
作家介紹
Joshua Coleman, Ph.D., is a senior fellow with the Council on Contemporary Families and a psychologist with a private practice in the San Francisco Bay Area. His most recent book is When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along (HarperCollins). Visit him at http://www.drJoshuacoleman.com/
Carolyn Pape Cowan, Ph.D., is an adjunct professor of psychology emerita at the University of California, Berkeley. She is a co-director of the Supporting Father Involvement Project and a co-author (with her husband, Philip A. Cowan) of When Partners Becomes Parents: The Big Life Change for Couples.
Philip A. Cowan, Ph.D., is a professor of psychology, emeritus, at the University of California, Berkeley, and coauthor of When Partners Become Parents: The Big Change for Couples (2000) with Carolyn Pape Cowan.
原文地址：https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_cost_of_blaming_parents
